I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
