It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
