so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
