I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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