I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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