I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
