I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
