The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
