i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
