..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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