It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
