How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
