The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
