Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
send nudes
from the living room?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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