Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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