All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
