We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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