Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
