just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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