new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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