Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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