I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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