I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
