I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
