Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
