Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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