Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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