I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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