you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
