My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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