My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
