i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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