Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
