apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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