the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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