There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
