I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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