My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
