new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
