drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
