I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
