I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
