Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
