She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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