I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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