mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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