We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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