I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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