tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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