Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
