Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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