Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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