Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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