Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize