The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
