so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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