i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
